•February 20, 2012
It’s ok to have days in which we are not at our best. As humans we have to deal with many facets within our lives. We can’t please everyone but we sometimes try. There are moments when we evaluate the current circumstances and try to formulate the best plan of action. I have grown tired of the same routine. I’m planning a transition. This maybe small or big. Nonetheless a transition is in order.
•December 20, 2011
So after a weekend of feeling so down and stressed it was upon this afternoon that my spirits were lifted again. I’m currently within a run of the Burelesque Nutcracker at the Triple Door. The shows have been taxing on the body. I obtained a small back injury during the opening night show but its healing fine. I’m also rehearsing Sleeping Beauty to be performed right after the run of Nutcracker. I knew that this hectic schedule was to come so this is no complaint-just the reality of a dancers life. After rehearsal I had the chance to have lunch with Izumi-a lovely new friend in my life who upon our meeting showed me that I’m on this path for a reason. We had such a wonderful talk and it really lifted my spirits. When I took glance at her book of notes I was so amazed at it contained notations of the choreography I’ve taught during this season at Spectrum. We dined at this really nice pastry shop in Bellevue on Main St. The setting of grey clouds, Christmas decor, and people walking about was just lovely. It was the perfect break for me to then carry on this performing schedule starting tonight. This morning I took notice of the date- December 20th!! The year is just about done. I then start taking value of lessons learned this year as well as the lessons learned that I shall bring into the new year.
I find myself opening up more which is a good thing. I had this dream last night about my grandfather taking inventory check of me as I stood before him. The words that remain in my head from him was “he looks well, all that’s missing is a mic”. I know dreams usually carry a message and at various points this morning I began thinking of what that statement meant. Was that a calling into my nature? A mic? Perhaps I have a voice that’s not being heard yet. Nontheless my mind started racing and I knew with this year ending I have to take these messages to heart and not be afraid.
After having lunch with Izumi I gained confidence again. Perhaps that’s all I really value. The opportunity to speak my dreams and aspirAtions so they are actually placed into the atmosphere. I talked a bit about Jeffrey & the Artists and once again I had this feeling come over me that confirmed that this is something that I have. What I do with it is solely upon my doing so I have to nuture this idea carefully. As I’m in route to The Triple Door I’m feeling content. A new appreciation has formed and for that I’m thankful. Of all things Im most appreciative of the gift of knowing I’m adding joy into the lives of others. Even when it feels mundane for myself it’s the feedback that reminds me that it’s not going unnoticed. I’m so thankful for people like Izumi. Such a lovely person and so I thank you for providing that inspiration needed to carry on. On with 2 shows tonight. Wishing much holiday cheer to all. Happy Holidays to all.
•November 8, 2011
I guess it’s that time of year again where I start to question why this and why that. I had been in this sort of flow for the past month and I feared that I was coming to a burn out. Everyday is different of course but the same discipline is still in tact. I was rehearsing Blue Bird today for Ballet Bellevue. I was so stressed over the role and when it came to the variation I did the beat that I could do. There I stood off center in the studio dripping with sweat asking myself could
I handle this? This is not the only project that I’m on so I’m trying to balance my body with different requests. I sent a text to a friend back east telling him of my rehearsal today and asked why we as dancers sometimes try to force ballet technique on our bodies in such ways. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the art form but the training can be very intense on the body. I’m learning to cope with such demands right now. This season is full of activity so I need to remain calm despite feeling overwhelmed. I did however happen to witness the setup phases of an ice rink being placed in Bellevue park today. Hmm
•September 15, 2011
This is so weird. Trying to find this balance within every that’s present in my life. I can only take this one day at a time. It’s readjustment period. Those too can be challenging. One begins to really put things into perspective trusting that each productive move is the best option. It’s hit and miss you know. Sometimes we strike and others we miss. I guess you could say it’s like baseball. I can only hope that things will get better. Not just for myself but for others too. The past week I created a work for WSU Dance Company One. It was the most rewarding experience. Among other things it’s one of the special times that you just never forget. I know there are times when I’m most harsh. To myself and family. Perhaps it’s the lash of frustration built up over time. Nonetheless, I’m Sorry. As a growing man I can witness my own mistakes. I have to take responsibility, own up, and take action to admit the mistake. Forgive me as I go through these growing pains. The sacrifice was there, I have seen. It shall never be forgotten. I close my eyes to think of us all. My thoughts are my thoughts. I am still here. Warm thoughts.September 11, 2011 11:55pm
“I have been to this place long enough to gather inspiration during the most difficult of times.
It was then the next day I questioned, how do I move forward?
The set in of thoughts and mourning of events that was now set before our very eyes.
Interest growing upon a skill further flourished despite hardship.
Such a combination of things.
Things I managed to think were possible as sights too gave further explanation.
Continuing the study one is able to see into everything.
Things were a fast pace long before it is realized.
Our world changed.
It’s safe to say that indeed it’s Always changing.
The persistent drive upon one’s dream is constantly being challenged.
We have the good and the bad.
The breaks teach us lessons.
Reality finds its way to set in.
Confronting it can at times keep one idle.
This is no fairy tale.
The dreams once had become a distorted image.
You sort your cards hands on deck.
What tends to outcome is a result of your new choices.
How you use them is solely you.
The only thing you can do is breathe.”
July 6, 2011
Please show me a sign as I have been on the verge of tears the past two days. So many unfortunate events I can only wonder if all that I have invested was a waste. Dreams appear the shatter right before my eyes. Perhaps it’s still not my time. Just wanted to take this time to let those who follow that I’m still here.
•May 26, 2011
Back in Seattle. It’s almost as though I haven’t left. Falling right back into the scheme of things this past week however with a different perspective. The past week has been so busy as I’ve had to prep for the shows this weekend here at the Triple Door. I really enjoy this venue as the setup is so nice as well as intimate. Currently here now preparing for shows two and three tonight. The Seattle weather has been a bit on the cool side. Glad I brought my hoodies and jacket. This is only expected after living here for a year so this did not catch me by suprise. Had the opportunity to teach at Spectrum last weekend. It was great seeing the participants again. The class once again sparked that interest within me to continue investigating methods of teaching.
Ok, gotta run. Costumes are ready and I must change now.
•May 16, 2011
It has been a while. 2 days til I depart for Seattle. Some how after today I had this new found feeling of acceptance. Not only of things and circumstances but of myself as well. Sitting here chilling in the moment yet so many things are on my mind. Once again the vast thoughts seem to keep me in one place until something says take action. Progression would be the word of the day. Allowing myself to see change in actions and putting value to things once not noticed. I dined in a restaurant earlier today by myself. A book was before me as I sat at the counter. I could not really get through the pages because my attention kept being directed at the energy around me. It was his quote that stuck with me today. I over heard his reponse to a young man trying to make a sale of a common item. After turning down the offer he said. “you just gotta keep on the hustle baby”. I smiled a bit inside as I too took the message to heart. He was right in many ways. Therefore I took the quote and applied it to the moment. A cloudy day here today and strange enough, I liked it. I’m looking at what’s ahead now. Everyday that I wake I’m thankful for the day shall bring.
•March 19, 2011
I have this feeling that when I get older I will have this new profound definition of the “audition”. Sitting here at the The University I’m recalling the first time I graced these studios upon my first audition here for the school. I remember taking the bus from Detroit the night before wondering if I would arrive in time that morning. I didn’t know what to really expect and came with this fear and joy all wrapped in one due to the expense I would encounter later had it not worked out. They give the combinations, steps and sequence in a period of time in search of execution from individual dancers. They also seek out potential in the movers who will progress in a program they want to be apart of. I certainly cherished my time here and why I’m back is still a discovery for me. As a professional I start to view every moment as an audition. Inside and outside the studio. There are so many elements needed to be successful in this industry. Some elements may take longer to develop than others. In all it’s an entire growth process that has to happen. We certainly don’t stop growing, however I do feel that we can choose to stop growing if we no longer apply ourselves to the craft. The audition is like a showcase of what we as artists can provide the scouts who are looking at many things at once to determine our acceptance. We make some and we loose some. It’s all apart of the growth and experience.
I remain in audition mode for some time to come.•March 6, 2011 11:02pm Philadelphia I’m at a stage in my life where I’m starting to question everything that I do. I guess the weather today displayed my emotions and here I thought I was exiting from that period of my life. It appears I’m still there. Seems like everyone has turned against me and the feeling is not the best at all. Did I make a mistake? Certain instances make me feel as though I have. I just don’t know what to do at this point. My drive is literally draining before my own eyes and I’m trying my best to keep it. Something is different from the past years I’ve spent here in this city. I was active and had a focus. Now that I’m back its hard to even find my purpose upon dealing with the issues at hand. I will not lie to the fact that certain thoughts have crossed my head during the past couple days. I’m so close, yet so far and I just have to deal. There are the days I’m finding happiness and then the realization sets in on some days that tells me that I’m perhaps washed up and done for. I was standing on the very porch that finalized my decision to even move out to Seattle. This is not to say it was a bad choice as many great things happened due to the move. Yet again, I was standing upon the very porch that I now question why I choose to come back here. No one seems to be telling me anything. I sort of jumped on this band-wagon in hopes that something would surface, but am I even happy? There are things that I can envision but as we all know history tends to repeat itself however a new face is placed upon it. I’m so done with the mind games! Its either yes or no but with nothing I’m shut out of my own existence. I guess I’m at a dancers mid-life something. The “c” word I dare not even say right now because that may not even be it. I’m hurting inside and I really can’t explain the pain. No break seems to come as planned or perhaps on terms I’ve tried to make. What lesson is this to fathom? A crossroad ahead of me and I really don’t know where to go. I can wish for direction but perhaps I’m stuck in this mode of trying to accommodate everyone and everything. Nothing goes without notice in my eyes-its just the processing takes time for understanding. I wonder if DB could relate to this? Maybe this was what he was going through as a young artist like myself. Did I run away from all my problems? Or did I choose to take the break and now suffering the choice. I miss Seattle. Yet, I know its more for me to see out there in the world in hopes that one day I can see them. One day at a time is what I’ve told myself and to others. I’m learning not to let the words of other people be that much of an influence when it comes to choices in such a fragile career such as dance. I say fragile because the extent of the career is solely based on how well we the artists can adapt to environment while maintaining/ developing a craft that only lasts for really a moment. I still continue to strive and do my best, but it gets hard. I am certain that many professionals that came before me would say the same thing. I question why? Why do I put myself through this? I was at a point the other day when I’m just applying for any and all types of jobs just to keep income coming in. Going this route will then alter my entire being and I’m so fearful of that. I know what I’ve done during the past couple years so why does it seem like its ending? I’m not myself anymore these days but I’m trying to hold on. The towel is in hand and I’m walking toward the edge. “Help me…”.
•February 8, 2011
7:47pm Detroit (Seattle)
I realize change is coming about, however I’m at this place where I just don’t know why this is. I’m at this rope trying to cope with my own interpretation of truth. This is certainly what one must do during their growing years as a young adult. I seen the stars again on tonight. Just like Seattle. More realization of things once told. I needed the time to ponder bit it’s the time that’s running past me. Tonight is her birthday and I miss the moments onced experienced. I’m questioning things that perhaps I shouldn’t. Each day is a lesson. I’m seeing that. In the eyes that are watching me within the classroom as I engage with their energy by leading them through exercises. What was this feeling? I can’t really explain. Why do I do it?
•January 29, 2011
59 minutes left until up in the air. Alot of thinking and counting the blessings in my life during this time frame. I can start to feel the real sense of support in the ways of one helping another to help achieve a dream or goal. The clouds so grey today and the rain falling as a faint mist. Everything is wet and it’s only grey light that puts the glaze look in view. It’s not so bad, this is your life I say to myself in a way. Not on many hours of slee,p I was able to awake and finalize all the packing. A final stand in the doorway looking at the clouds drift by. Now looking out the terminal window the rain drizzles upon the airports pavements. Another chapter awaits yet it’s slowly unfolding before myself as well. Welcome to the weekend. I shall return. Thank you Seattle, thank you.January 17, 2011 December 16, 2010 11:00am (Philadelphia) You sit before me so quiet as though I could read your mind. I just can’t nor do I even know where to start. This is confusing me to no end and I must get over this quick and fast. The days are going by slow yet fast and it will come that time I’m walking through the airport with a feeling of hurt or acceptance. I just don’t understand, but perhaps it’s just me. I don’t know what these feelings are but to take such a big risk upon other things and obligations its a bit of a torment. Navigation comes easy upon returning to a place once lived and studied. The glimpse of faces recognized and connecting with those who entered into my life at some point. Is there change? Yes-and I can see it very little, however not the entire picture for I have not the time to invest in finding out every detail. This is all in passing-as life tends to show us anyhow. Another lesson to come about and something new to learn. Today my count down has begun..the new year-birthday and all-the big 25. It scares me a bit however awaiting the actual day is more of a blessing than anything. I’m trying to understand myself and it’s difficult…sigh… November 11, 2010 1:12pm
This was the sight….oh how it took my breath away. This day, this morning, such a strange feelings and emotions. Tonight is the Opening of my first choreographed Musical. The themes that hark within the story actually speak to my life. Are those the questions that I too need to be answering? This crisp air, leaves upon the walkways and terrain. I saw the cascades!! Snow laid upon the peaks. Visible yet so far away. We are surrounded, the views are Spectacular. Not always visible they are, but tend to make us gasp during the most uncertain time. Fall is here, time set back. New inspirations must unfold. Holidays are here too. Christmas lights gracing the city streets. Why does it feel like it? I guess after a couple more days it will set in. Preparing for tonight. 11:11….(the story is being told now). SJB
November 3, 2010
I woke this morning to another blue sky asking myself where did this day come from. It’s hard to believe that it’s November and the yet the year will end before we know it. Christmas items have already graced the shelves of department stores. Christmas lights are already being erected onto city street trees. Wow, the holidays are here again. It seems like right after Halloween everything starts speeding up. Tomorrow marks 7 days til opening night of ‘Hairspray’!! All 4 shows have sold out-makes me nervous a bit lol. We are currently in the running stages of the production. The stage itself is starting to transform into this elaborate 60’s space with retro colors and side pieces. I’m assuming that once the students put on the costumes it will hit them mentally that this is the real deal. During a run of Act I yesterday afternoon, I was impressed with the character development from the principal actors in the show. Certain characters have begun to stick out for me as each take I’m witnessing bold choices the artist is making. I’m also taking note of characters who have smaller roles but play a huge part within the story itself. For me it’s not really hard to pin point true dedication from cast members. They may not know it yet, but they display characteristics of how they will work in the future. Today will be a run of Act II. I’ll be watching from the house taking notes to ensure a smooth transition from tech to curtain. Has this been enjoyable? I would say yes. The stress level has been a bit high but it’s almost expected dealing with 60 students in a cast. Finding the ways to destress has been a little challenge when every second you turn it’s a new project, performance, or event to attend. It’s all within the days work they say. Hmmm, I guess. I’m excited to get back into yoga classes. I’m taking a class tomorrow after rehearsal. It’s been a while and I find after taking a class I’m much more relaxed than before. Found myself to be in the gym more lately, but trying not to fall into a boring routine. Variation is a good word to use. In the past I’ve always tried to stick with a given plan. This is not to say the plans didn’t work but the procedure to obtain goal was perhaps mundane. Now days I’m trying new things and a different approach to things I once thought impossible to grasp. With that process comes minor mistakes but the quicker you learn from it, admit the mistake, then one can move on to the next. Busy day ahead. I must prepare myself.
Quote to today: “what’s being said without words?”•September 20, 2010 1:04 pm
AHHHH, Its HAIRSPRAY!! Never have I thought a musical could give me such sleepless nights. This is due to the fact that I’m on the creative team of putting the production together as co-choreographer. Seattle Academy of Arts and Sciences will be performing this musical November 11-14. Rehearsals began earlier this month and since then my mind has been immersed in everything 60’s. There is about 60 students in the entire cast so its a lot of work. The production team is great and the students are very talented. This musical of course contains a lot of dancing and singing. I started my research on the project earlier this summer starting with the finale song “You Can’t Stop The Beat”. It wasn’t until recently that I actually began to understand the significance of the track and how it speaks to us as audience members. Setting the choreography on the cast, it opened my eyes to a new level of creativity and expression. When it comes to choreography in a musical it can be a bit challenging. Not only are you setting steps, but you also have to listen to that little “director” voice inside because staging is everything. I’m very excited to be working on this production. Every time we hold rehearsal there is always something new that I’m learning. Right now I’m trying to finalize the staging for “Run and Tell That”. From there I move on to “Welcome to the 60’s” which is a big number and contains a lot of everything! When I sleep at night it seems the music doesn’t want to get out my head as it just cycles. Not sure if that’s a bad thing of not :). I’ll be doing more updates on this project as it goes along.
•September 2, 2010
So I guess i’m starting to understand that quote- “the devil is in the details”. Did I really just go through this today? You want me to do one thing, yet I’m not granted the access to attempt possibilities. It was like I wasn’t even in the room. But they knew I was there. I took a deep breath and perhaps spoke with my eyes trying not to look down. They say everything happens for a reason. If this is true then I will live by it. Perhaps my words were meant to be. “hello, my name is Scott Bartell I’m from Detroit, Mi and I’m a Capricorn”.
What more do I give you? You see me before you yet you say nothing. This has happened before. I recall being in their presence on the elevator as the decend prepared me for the long walk upon the NY city streets. Clear across the way you would think it would be different. Hmmm how about no. Damn, that really hurt me today. It was a self check so I’ll take it as such. My mind may continue to try find reasons why.
I looked up at the night sky to see the brightest star and said “what should I do grandma”. What should I do? I was still at ease but still wanting to find this urge to cry. The tears still can’t seem to come forth. So what did I do wrong? Perhaps me showing up and preparing was a little stir. The door is open and the eyes wander. You see something and then give this extra look. Can I help that? No, because I’m victim of that too- we all are. But you knew I was there so that’s all that matters. Oh how I wouldn’t dare say this or that. Why would I? Just to prove the game is not as clean as you perhaps would want it to be. Well just know that you aren’t the only one-just not, believe it. On to the next correct? I’m so down but I will push through. It’s my own strength that will allow it. It’s my own strength that will start it. This is just yet another lesson. Is that not the real essence of life? The head is held high. No worries, just thoughts. Thank you to a friend who shared such kind words.
•June 21, 2010
“This is no sob story- as I’m the only writer of this book, so changes will be made. All things happen for a reason so I won’t dwell.” SJB
– Today was that day for me. I put it all into perspective thinking of what is possible and not. I laugh inside a bit as I realize perhaps why all is unspoken. I miss you-I’ll admit, but is out of sight really out of mind? I wanted to shed many tears today but I think the rain today displayed my feelings. I keep going, I keep upon the path-even when the sudden detours occur. After it was all said and done-a brief pause, and that was all I needed to read.
-This song has been on repeat for me during the past two days. But it also made me think of you, you, and also you. Why? Drake says: “things have been so crazy and hectic, I should of gotten back by now”.
Does the spotlight make me nervous? It happens, it happens. The waiting game I continue to play. Perhaps I’m the only player. No that can’t be. I’m still looking for that purpose.
-The mask goes on, breathe- inhale, exhale. A quick unimaginable glimpse but it stays with me. It’s a reason I saw myself upon that bed surrounded by the staff. *sigh*
•March 2, 2010
“What is this? Ugh-is it just me or is it just me?”
•Friday February 6, 2010
Soo it’s Friday again. I guess I tend to use this day to evaluate everything done from the week. I realized that attending events and open discussions are vital to any and all artists. Such a busy week as I wrapped myself in everything dance this week. Two open rehearsals and a open discussion.
I sat on the side of the stage watching the dancers travel through space with such power and conviction. This presentation not even in it’s final draft pulled many emotions from myself alone. Farewell-A fantastical contiplation of Americas relationship with China is a new production being presented this month at the Moore Theater. During an open discussion of the making of Farewell I inquired upon intention. What message are we to take from this art? How do we as humans fathom a farewell? Watching the abtract moving and group work, the dancers seemed to be living out particular moments in their lives. Perhaps the portrayed moments of youth taking a stand for change, human equality and rights. One could certainly relate if fighting for any particular cause in their own lives. So should we learn to let go? Yes. I think doing that will only help us. We as Americans are still in the transition of change. Cultural, political, and even personal events still shape our perceptions of what perhaps this world is. I began being interested in the word “coma” as it has it’s relevance to the work. A state of awareness with no action. Memories replay themselves in different fragments in our subconcious that in turns shape what we really are. This production also pulled on a sadness that overcame me. In my own experience it displayed a courage and dedication that I at times overlook. Acknowleging that individuals stood before me fighting a system that man built. Farewell to a system that does not work! Many get trapped into the system and refuse change. How powerful that we speak of this in these current times. We have a leader in office who is literally carrying the weight of the worlds issues on his shoulders. I sense a greater change is upon us. I’ve prepared myself as an artist to accept things past and move forward. Things past are just that-the past. Experiences used to mold and shape us not only for the now, but the unseen future as well.
•January 31, 2010
*sigh* and certainly a big one. It’s perhaps the sadness, perhaps it’s the times-changing rapidly and inquiring if I’m moving too fast in this game of life or still playing catch up. Here stands the final day of the first month of 2010. If we took it upon ourselves to make some time of commitment / resolution, now is the time we perhaps are starting to see development or small progress. There are days that I can see things in reach but attaining it is sometimes the challenge. I guess my understanding of things are starting to surface. I wonder if everyone has these weird/ odd dreams that could perhaps be reality. I always hear that dreams usually carry some type of message. These messages can be so vague and hard to fathom. Details tend to stick out with the hope of piecing things together-somehow, someday.
•December 16, 2009
“Jeffrey and the Artists, LLC.”
•December 3, 2009
“Scott, I’m curious as to why you want to change your variation?”(rehearsal)
I’m sure all dancers face those days in their career, when they have to ask themselves, what the hell am I doing!? Ballet is such a beautiful technique. It’s lovely to watch and the art form itself it just universal. I recently been granted the opportunity to perform as the Cavalier in this seasons Nutcracker. I must be honest that I thought it would be pretty easy-NOT! It’s a very challenging role to say the least. The training is great so I’m very thankful of that. Today was one of those- OMG, I can’t do this right now! But that really just comes with the territory. I was tempted to change my variation today, but decided to keep what I already have and just work with it. Ugh, the mental challenges are another subject lol. Today I picked up a book “Ballet for beginners”. A very nice full illustrated picture book from everything ballet. Too bad the photos were of all little kids. Seeing that only made me wish I was a kid again. Maybe it’s just me, but I think they did that on purpose. Oh the life of a dancer. A strange one some may say. *sigh*, smile.
•November 30, 2009
“As I approach this final month of the year, I am left to question what will be different? An artist can have many qualities-how we use them is key. Lately, I have been struggling with direction of the career path. I have taken many risks in my life thus far, so I shouldn’t stop now. Perhaps this is the time to start drafting something anew.”